Updated: Feb 9, 2020

'The enemy is really myself, the enemy is really what really need help/somebody help like 1, 2, 1, 2, 1, 2, 1, 2, 1, 2, and when I get to 3/I'ma let it all go and let it be/' - Dyme Def, "Let It Be"

There comes a point when you decide to find yourself. There's no right or wrong way to do so, and as much as we would like to embark on our personal hero's journey, we're not all heroes.

Right? That's what we tell ourselves. That's we were told-some sort of amalgamation between how we're all special before telling us how we can't all be superstars. So what's the truth? Are we anything we set our mind to? Or another cog in the machine?

Wisecrack has a pretty solid primer that gives a very surface level description of what they call cosmic nihilism vs. existential nihilism using the examples of Rick And Morty compared to Bojack Horseman. To define this, we'll go to Wikipedia:

  • Nihilism is the philosophical viewpoint that suggests the denial or lack of belief towards the reputedly meaningful aspects of life. Most commonly, nihilism is presented in the form of existential nihilism, which argues that life is without objective meaning, purpose, or intrinsic value.

  • Existentialism is a tradition of philosophical inquiry associated mainly with certain 19th and 20th-century European philosophers who, despite profound doctrinal differences, shared the belief that philosophical thinking begins with the human subject—not merely the thinking subject, but the acting, feeling, living human individual.

  • Cosmicism is the literary philosophy developed and used by the American writer H. P. Lovecraft in his weird fiction.The philosophy of cosmicism states that there is no recognizable divine presence, such as a god, in the universe, and that humans are particularly insignificant in the larger scheme of intergalactic existence, and perhaps are just a small species projecting their own mental idolatries onto the vast cosmos. This also suggests that the majority of undiscerning humanity are creatures with the relative significance of insects and plants, when compared to the universe.

OK, now that we understand that, what does that have to with this article and why is it titled "Apologies"? Because I subscribe, to a point, to the existentialist theory of thought. I grew up very religious and after leaving the church, it took a while to really find meaning outside of an institution. I don't necessarily advocate abandoning religion, but I definitely do advocate finding an identity outside of an already established part of your life.

That's where I kind of want to start. I've been having a hard time finding meaning and I've simply transferred my soul and identity from church to the army to college. Braven Carlsen is more than christian or soldier or sun devil. I've written about my depression before and it flared up pretty bad this time. The usual suspects of not being able to sleep at night but sleeping OK during the day, not being able to eat anything except rice, that whole thing. I often joke I have the wrong depression. Rather than having the depression that allows me to get a ton of work done and lose weight due to eating habits, I tend to get crippled and binge-eat. Of course, there's no right and wrong version of any disease, including depression. But that's why I'm apologizing. I'm sorry for ignoring this web site. I'm sorry for ignoring the other parts of my life. I'm sorry for isolating myself so much.

Starting May 1, I'll be back working on this with daily articles. Mondays will be dedicated to music. Tuesdays and Wednesdays will be television will be film, respectively, including Netflix or Hulu. Thursdays will be video games, primarily on Xbox One, but possibly retro games as well. Friday will be a review of news throughout the week and the weekend will be an At Large piece. These articles will be a mixture of think pieces and reviews, mostly assessing the impact of a modern work of art. I'm excited to rise again. We have a lot of culture to cover.


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